Resolution to be a bum

Ahhh, January. The month that helps me swirl my self-esteem around the emotional toilet bowl. The month of resolutions, new Weight Watchers spokespeople, and

worst of all

introspection.

Whose idea was it to get all introspective-y in January? S/he is dead to me.

Every January I revisit my worry that Abby will not be prepared for life and that I only have 6.5 years of her left at home for me to shove it all in her brain. Every January, I re-worry that my relationship with Shawn could crumble at any moment if I don’t buck it up and that the little girls are going to become delinquents if I don’t focus on them more. Every January, my mind is flooded with all the things I have yet to do in life and the thought that if I don’t get a-cracka-lackin, I will never do them….which reminds me that all of the women in my mother’s side of the family die very young…

so I better REALLY get a-cracka-lackin.

And probably schedule a check up. You know, for some kind of health-ish resolution.

Exhausting.

So once again, like many Januaries before this, I’ve thoroughly examined my neruoses of failure and a wasted life. Initially, I was making my goal-y list and checking it twice. I had a meaty list covering a range of topics that would no doubt save my soul, better my family, and have me without a wasted moment until 2013. I was proud of my goals, but scared, too. They were laudable ambitions, but just reading them, I felt drained.

Additionally, I realized yet again, I am sorely lacking in actual abilities or talents – thereby making most of my goals a lot harder for me than I imagine them to be for my friends. Hard to learn to sew when your brain has no crafty ability, ya know? Being perky and (reasonably) friendly – basically, my two lone “talents” if you will – aren’t really the kinds of things you build your New Year’s Resolutions on. Being friendly and taking time for others isn’t going to save my soul, marriage, and family.

Or will it? It’s hard to say when I always seem to be stuffing that part of myself down to get everything else done.

I have noticed that through the past few years, I haven’t had much time to be a friend to others. I’ve been racing around like a wild woman. After every major calling at church, the completion of classes, or at the end of my crazy crack jobs I’ve thought,”I will now focus on the relationships around me – my people need love.” But instead of relationship building, I seem to get sucked into some other project of monumental proportions that weighs me down and makes me too exhausted to see straight.

Which brings me to a conversation I had with my wonderful friend who said her best year ever was the year she decided to be more relaxed. To do less.

Bingo.

BINGO!

So this year, that is my resolution. To do less. Less rigidity about working out – more flexibility to be there for a friend. Less worry about helping around the community – more time to listen. Less on the official family calendar – so that more can be slid in when we want with whom we want – and that will meet the needs of that day.

We’ll see.

But I am pretty excited to do less. It’s been a great week or two of doing less so far. As I have been less focused on what I HAVE to do every day, I actually feel inspired to do more. Crazy how that works.

Thank goodness for the wisdom of friends (Emily!)

Here’s to doing less. I posted this after taking a nap this morning. I think I’m already rocking some success.

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